Updates

So it's been over 3 months since my last blog post.  I haven't been on Fetlife much either, nor on Twitter.  As you may remember, I began hunting for a full-time job back in June.  Well it took awhile because the job market is pretty tough right now as per all the news shows about folks not finding employment and losing their homes.  I was not any different, as by the time I found a job in October, my house had started going into foreclosure and I was barely (by the skin of my teeth) able to save it.  It has been quite stressful starting a new job under these circumstances, but I'm finally getting on solid ground again.

When I set out to find a job, I was looking for just that...a job.  But what I got was a career instead.  I was looking for something to do with web design, but in addition to that, I got into application development, which is a whole lot more in depth and challenging than web design.  So I've been busy learning and becoming proficient at some computer programming languages.  I am so grateful to have the opportunity that I have with this.  With no college degree, I was able to step into something like this, with time to teach myself a new skill set.  For the first couple of months on the job I was questioning whether I'd be able to handle it and fears of getting fired were at the forefront of my mind.  But now I'm becoming more confident in my newfound abilities and finding that I do in fact have an aptitude for it.  And yes, that is right...I am an IT nerd.  LOL

As for the traveling, I won't get vacation time until I've been on the job for 6 months.  That is torture for me I tell you!  So I'm looking at late April/early May before I can really get out of Kansas for any significant amount of time.  I don't have any plans as of yet, though I'd really like to attend the Chicago Ageplayers Convention (CAPCon).  I've never been to any Ageplay events and my Daddy and I would like to go, so I'll see if I can make it work.

The videos have kind of come to a standstill.  About a month or so ago, the payment processor that I was using for my website revoked my account because of the "sexually oriented" material.  Alot of us in the spanking world use this particular payment processor, for videos, sessions, and convention registrations.  When they shut me down, they cancelled both my business & personal accounts, which I believe was lowballing because I've never used my personal account for any scene related stuff.  So anyways, now I am limited to just Clips4Sale, which takes a huge percentage of the sales proceeds.  So much so that with just that avenue, I will not be making enough to even recover the production expenses and make producing videos worth my while.  At least based upon my current & historical sales records.  Unfortunately, as nice as it is to receive good feedback from those who enjoy my videos, I cannot continue to produce them on feedback alone.  I need to be able to see a little bit of a return on my investment.  I know there are tons of people who enjoy my videos, but in order to continue with this I'll need to have people put their money where their mouth is, so to speak.  If my sales where to match up to the amount of good feedback that I receive, I'd be able to continue.  I've got some footage 'in the can' so to speak, of the video I shot with Kat St. James but I haven't begun to edit it yet.

I'm unsure of whether I will continue to accept sessions.  Right now I'm limited to just the weekends.  But frankly, of the number of people that apply for a session, only about 10% (or less) actually pan out.  There is alot of sorting through applicants, determining which ones are serious and which ones simply want to get their rocks off by communicating and talking about a possible session, with no intent to actually follow through.  Like alot of other things in life, the ones that screw it up end up adversely affecting those who are sincere and well-meaning.  I've had some wonderful sessions with most all those who show up for their appointments.  But I'm starting to wonder if it is worth sifting through all the other trash to find the diamonds in the rough.  It is to be determined whether I will continue with the sessions.

So, on the whole, my life has switched back to being mostly vanilla.  It is wonderful to be getting back on my feet and starting to enjoy my new career.  Time will tell whether I choose to transition out of the professional side of the scene for good and revert back to being a participant only.  I think ultimately it can be summed up as BURNT OUT.  I do miss the times of traveling and meeting people, spending time with those friends that I've made in the scene.  Time will tell.

Big shoot on Monday!

The big day is quickly approaching!  I'll be picking up Kat St. James at the airport on Sunday night so she'll be here for the video shoot on Monday.  My nerves are definitely kicking in.  This past week has been pretty busy for me as I had to fill-in as receptionist at my step-dad's business, which took away from alot of my last minute preparation time.  I've had some upper & middle back pain which left me trying to do various things to relieve it but finally it seems to be getting better.  So now I'm kicking it in high gear to do some tidying up in the rooms that we'll be shooting in.

I think I'm actually growing to really like the production/directing side of the videos, maybe even more than simply being in them.  This is the 2nd custom video that I will have done and I hope to have the opportunity to do many more in the future.

This film will be called, "The Younger Step-Mother", and the basic scenario is that Kat is the 20 year old Step-Mother and I her 28 year old step-daughter who is very immature for my age and highly lacks respect for my much younger step-mother.

The client wrote the script, and one other thing that is included is the premise of getting in trouble for leaving skid marks in the panties.  There won't be anything shown, just verbal references and the act of Kat "inspecting my panties".  This particular item is not in my headspace and not my style at all.  But I am wanting to hear from my fans about what you would like to see.  I will be making this film available for purchase, but my plan is to edit out the parts that reference skid-marked panties because of my personal preference.  I'm interested in hearing what you think on this.

Fans:  Please comment on your preference.  Leave skid mark references in the film or edit all the skid mark references out of the film that I make available to the public?

Directed Self-Spankings

Plain old self-spankings don't do anything for me.  Doesn't get into my headspace, and I can't hit myself very hard.  In one word:  Pointless.

So when my Daddy (long distance disciplinarian at the time) approached me back when about doing webcam, directed self-spankings as a form of discipline, I was extremely cynical.  I didn't refuse, didn't safeword, but I told him, "It's not gonna work, but I'll try it".  We tried it, and I was pleasantly surprised.

We used Yahoo IM when we first started doing this a couple years ago, now Skype works best for us.  Basically since he lives in NYC and I in Kansas, we needed a viable punishment option to use when we're apart.  I don't remember the specifics of the first time we did this, but I'll give a general overview of how it works for us:

I pull the console table from behind the love seat to the side so that when my laptop is sitting on it the arm of the love seat is in full view since this is where I will bend over while I'm administering my own spanking.  I've been instructed to have all my implements out and nearby so they are ready for use.  I'm expected to have all of this set up before the time of our 'meeting'.  The agreed upon time arrives and we meet up online with our webcams.  I sit down in front of the webcam while my Daddy talks to me about why I'm getting this spanking and scolding me for being bad and misbehaving.  He makes me look directly into the camera so that he's sure he has my full attention.

When it is time for the spanking to begin, he instructs me to stand up and bend over the couch.  He tells me that I had better spank myself as hard as I can or else we'll start all over again and it will be longer and with more implements.  He normally has me begin over my pajama bottoms with my hand, and when he's ready he has me lower my bottoms and spanking over my panties.  He is scolding and directing me all the while, such as "spank harder, get some on the thighs, faster".  Next my panties have to be lowered and I continue to spank myself on my bare bottom as he now gets to watch my bottom turn from pink to red.  This is when he tells me to use some of the implements that I've placed nearby on the dining room table.  It starts to really get difficult here because now it really hurts.  It takes submission to a whole new level when you are required to submit to spanking your own self as hard as you possibly can.  If I was to refuse, stop, or spank too lightly, I would get in even more trouble.  Also, the threat is there that if I don't do it right alone in Kansas, that the next time I'm in New York he will make me self-spank in person AND give me a spanking himself!

Once I've made it through the implements, I'm sent to stand in the corner with some more 'talking-to' to make sure I've learned my lesson.  The way my house is arranged, the laptop can also catch me in the corner from where it was placed for the spanking.  So he can ensure that I'm standing still, with my arms at my side, and not fidgeting.

Below is a video preview clip of an actual self-spanking session with my Daddy that took place in August 2010, while I was in Los Angeles (filming for Exclusive Education 5) and he was at his home in New York.  I had continued to use what he deems as "Unladylike" language, and he was ready to put a stop to it, so I was told to be ready to be punished that evening when he called.  He did not know that I was recording it at the time, but I told him after the fact, and he gave me his permission to post the video (after he'd seen it first).  If you're interested, the full 9 minutes can be found on my website.



What do I get out of it?  Even though he is not there in person giving me the spanking, the mental & emotional aspects of it are still there since he is scolding me and telling me what to do.  The spanking does not stop until he's satisfied that I've been thoroughly punished for my behavior.  Also, the extreme submission that is required in order to inflict pain on my own self, knowing that it has to be done...or else.

Goes to show that you should try everything at least once because you'll never really know, you just may find that you like it after all.  I sure didn't think I'd get anything out of it, but I was wrong.  You can't lose anything for trying, but you can open yourself up for the possibility of gaining something good.

Littles and Baby Pride symbol

I ran across this tonight while poking around on the internet (when I should be busy doing other things I might add).  Like the Leather Pride symbol or Gay Pride symbol for examples, this Littles and Baby Pride symbol is a way to show your support of and involvement with the Littles (Ageplay) community.

Ageplayers -- also known as littles -- are probably one of the least understood subcultures in the world of BDSM.  It's also a vastly growing section of the community.  There are all sorts of people who practice ageplay:

 * Adult babies and diaper lovers

 * "Kidz" who roleplay being school-age or teenage.

 * Sissies, who are "boys" who like to be feminized and made to feel young as a form of power exchange

 * Babyfurs, members of the Furry Fandom who are also AB's or DL's

 * And the many different kinds of "grownups" who love them - Mommies, Daddies, Aunties, Uncles, Nannies, & Sitters are just a few

(All the above is taken from http://babypridestore.com, which is where the public domain symbol artwork can be found as well)

I fit into the "Kidz" category, because when I am functioning as a Little I am a school-age girl around 6 or 7.  My Daddy falls into the "grown-ups" or "Bigs" category.  I keep learning all the time about the vast resources, groups, and events for ageplayers.  I used to think my Daddy and I were somewhat alone in our kink, but that is definitely not the case.  There was even a short time period that he and I hid our involvement in ageplay from others for fear of being judged.  I'm glad that we are "out of the closet", even though it has meant that we've encountered a little flack and judgementalism about what we are into.  However the vast majority of people have either been supportive of our interest, inquisitive and willing to learn, or just kept their negative views to themselves.  We are starting to discover that there are a good number of Ageplayers even among the spanking community.

Fantasy reignited

So a couple weeks ago, I ran into the pastor of the church I used to attend.  The husband of the lady who threatened to spank me when I was a rather sassy and rebellious 19 year old .  His wife wasn't with him though, but nevertheless my mind went to that fantasy that I've had of her taking me into her office, putting me over her knee, and giving me a sound spanking for my attitude.

From the video "Church Discipline"

Sarah Gregory and I did a video awhile back in which we played out the fantasy I had, except Sarah took on my role and I played the part of the pastor's wife.  Having the opportunity to act out a fantasy of mine was very liberating, even if it was sort of a role reversal.  This video will probably always remain among my favorite videos to have made because of the special connection that I have to the scenario.

"Church Discipline"

Sarah did a wonderful job of portraying "me" in the video because her attitude came out very similar to the way mine did back when.  Then towards the end of the spanking she cried real tears, not from the pain but from the emotional aspects of the spanking and primarily the love that was shown.  I remember always craving the love and affection from my pastors, in addition to the discipline.  Well after all, discipline IS a show of love & affection, maybe just not the type of affection that we want.  It is referred to as "tough love".

Although the pastor's wife was the primary focus of my fantasy (I mean after all she threatened it!), it still encompassed the pastor as well.  I have a strong propensity for wanting a Mother & Father figure to discipline me and care for me.  I've frequently fantasized of him telling me to bend over a bed and paddling me.

They frequently talked about child rearing in the sermons, with the whole spare the rod hate the child thing.  I always bought the audio tape of sermons where any sort of correction and discipline was mentioned and I would go listen to those parts of them over and over again.  In fact I still have alot of those cassette tapes to this day.

There was even one sermon where I got publicly corrected.  I wasn't paying attention, was doodling on my notepad, and just generally trying to get negative attention (I liked doing those sorts of things, because it usually meant that I would get scolded in some fashion).  All of a sudden, there was a sharp 'thump' on my leg, which startled me.  I looked up to see the pastor standing there, with the microphone in his hand, and then he said, "If I were you I would be paying attention!".  Right there in front of everybody.  Oh my gosh I was soooo embarrassed, but yet in a weird way fulfilled at the same time.  All I could do was look down and cry, throughout the rest of the sermon.  I was like 'finger spanked' on my leg by the pastor.  AND scolded.  I was kind of in heaven for months after that...replaying it over in my head, re-reading my journal entry where I recounted all the minut details, and of course fantasized about him actually spanking me after church.  

The temptation is definitely strong to approach her and confess my involvement in spanking and ask her if she would follow through with that threat.  That would be soooo amazing if she actually did!  In my mind I've pictured myself asking her, and her taking my hand in her's and leading me off to correct me.  I wonder if it could ever be a reality?

Funny how just a chance meeting and a very short conversation with the pastor had the power to ignite such a strong craving in me for this fantasy to be fulfilled.  It was the first time that I've seen either of them since I became involved in the spanking community over 3 years ago, so I guess it makes sense how it could have that strong of an effect.  Who knows, maybe some day.  I certainly wouldn't be opposed to telling them what I do today, although I'd be REALLY nervous.  But I've evolved so much in this that I'm comfortable in who I am and know it is just a part of me.  I'm not ashamed of it but at the same time I realize that it is not universally accepted by a long stretch.

Wow this has been quite the late night (early morning) rambling.  Time for bed now!  Nitey nite.

Coming back to NYC Sept. 21st - 30th

After what has seemed like months, I will be back in NYC in less than 2 weeks!  The job hunt is basically at a standstill - It is just extremely difficult for even qualified people to find a job in today's economy, so I advertised for video shoots and Kelly Payne took me up on it.  I will be shooting for her site on the 23rd and possibly the 28th also, so the rest of the time I am open for other bookings and sessions.

If you'd like to book me for a video and/or photo shoot please contact me.  I am of course available for spanking shoots, but am also beginning to branch out into other fetishes such as bondage and feet.

Now is the time to book a NYC session because I'm currently running a special of $50 off my normal rate, so book early before spots fill up.  The tough economy is rough on us all, so I am doing this discount in an effort to make the sessions more affordable.  Session application

I'm super happy to get to see my Daddy.  I stay with him anytime that I'm in NYC and it has just been way to long.  I've been experiencing a major drought in spanking which should very soon be relieved.  :)

Episode #2 of Mister Spankman's Neighborhood: Clean Up Your Act!

The next recent video series that I've added to my online store is "Clean Up Your Act", episode #2 of the Mister Spankman's Neighborhood series featuring myself in the bottoming role (primarily) and Rich Spankman as the Top, with a little switch action going on.

I did 2 preview clips on SpankingTube for this video.  The one above is the 'normal' preview that most people perusing SpankingTube like to see - just spanking.  The following preview I did just as a special treat to show a little of the fun side of the video.  It includes the full intro where I remade the Mister Roger-esque theme where he changes his sweater & shoes, and then a small piece of the fun dream sequence that is in the video.  The above was rated 4 stars, the one below a measly 2 1/2...Ah well, I suppose not very many people appreciate creativity and a sense of humor  :(.  Regardless, the second preview is a bonus and there if you'd like to watch it.

I'm going to tell something embarrassing on myself here and admit that there is a sliver of truth behind this video.  Nobody wants to admit these types of things about themselves for fear of what people may think of them.  I've been self-employed for over a year now and quite often I am working out of my home with no reason to leave the house for days at a time.  If I don't have any plans for the day that include leaving the house I have been known to stay in my pajamas and not shower all day long.  I mean, what's the point, eh?  Pj's are sooo comfortable!  I also struggle with keeping up on my house chores & cleaning, even though I'm home most of the time it is just not fun to clean and it's hard to get motivated to do it.  Since these are issues that I have myself, and I know there are others out there that experience these things, I thought it would be a good topic to address in a video.

In the second episode of Mister Spankman's Neighborhood, Mister Spankman catches Alicia's dog running loose in the neighborhood and brings him back to Alicia's house.  When he arrives, he sees that her house is a mess and it appears that she hasn't showered in awhile.  Alicia is not taking care of herself and needs to be dealt with.

Part 1 - Mister Spankman lectures Alicia about her responsibilities to herself.  While Mister Spankman speaks, Alicia spaces out and dreams of taking him over HER knee for a change.  You will see Alicia spanking Mister Spankman over his pants with a bathbrush, and Mister Spankman spanking Alicia over her pants and then on her white cotton panties with his hand.  This is a great "switch" video to watch!

Part 2 - Alicia's white cotton panties are lowered and the spanking continues on her bare bottom.  Finally she is sent to clean herself up and take a shower, after which she has to report back to Rich for the second part of her spanking.  Alicia is now attired in a bathrobe and wet hair as she receives the culmination of her spanking from Mister Spankman.  All spanking is done with the hand.

No, the shower is NOT shown on camera...Sorry folks!