Friday, September 13, 2013

Little Girl Rejection

A pic I took of myself about a year ago
I recently had a video shoot with a production company that I have never shot with before.  I was set to shoot primarily little girl/ageplay videos, and flew out on a Friday morning and was scheduled to shoot videos each day until I flew back home the following Wednesday.

I got there super early at 7:45am, laid down for a little bit and got in the shower.  I thought I would be shooting my 2 videos for the day later on, but as soon as I stepped out of the bathroom I was told that we'd be shooting mine now.  So I rushed to get make-up on and go find a school girl outfit to put on.  After all the rushing around and still feeling tired, I felt the two videos went fine.

Spent the rest of the day relaxing and in the evening we had pizza and sat around and had fun.  I was the first to turn in because I could barely keep my eyes open so I said goodnight to everyone and hit the pillow.

I had a good night's sleep and started waking up for a long day of shooting ahead, when I got a knock on the door and it was the producer.  She came in and said she needed to talk to me.  She said they had reviewed some of the footage from yesterday and for some reason I wasn't 'translating' on the camera.  This kinda took me by surprise, so naturally I asked what I was doing wrong and what I needed to change.  She said it was nothing that I was doing or not doing, it was the way I looked on camera.  She mentioned something about the way I looked in the outfits, they just didn't quite look right on me.

I'm so freakin' sensitive and so at by this time I was already crying.  I was annoyed with myself, why couldn't I hold the tears in, usually I'm able to do that.  I'm somewhat of an expert at stuffing my emotions.  She gave me a hug.  She said that she just couldn't justify having me there to shoot anymore days as the videos of just me in them wouldn't sale.  Then said that they are going to pay for a plane ticket for me to fly home that day.

I held it together for the rest of the time there, but I just knew once I got on the plane that I was most likely going to burst into tears.  So I went to the airport bathroom and called my therapist to have a 'coaching call'.  This type of call is related to DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), and the purpose of it is to help you come up with some sort of coping skill to help you calm down in the moment.  She suggested wetting a paper towel with cold water and putting it on my forehead, but that wouldn't work because the faucets were those that automatically set the temperature to warm for you.  She said to try containment which is where you do imagery that you are putting the situation in a box on a shelf to deal with at a later time.  I tried this once I got on the plane and again this didn't work.  So I tried to just turn my mind and think about something totally unrelated that was comforting to me and that worked.  I just didn't want to cry like a baby on the plane.

This week has kind of been a rough week because this whole thing set me back emotionally.  I guess now I'm still confused as to why I was so bad or ugly that they went as far as to cancel the remaining shoots and send me home the day after I got there.  This was a huge hit on my self-esteem and body image.  I've done lots of spanking videos and seem to look alright on camera for those.  I made my pictures and video trailers on SpankingTube available to the producer before she hired me to come out there, so she knew what I looked like.  I just don't get it.  I kind of feel like this was specifically concerning the 'little girl' me and she is the one that's ugly.

I know something like this wouldn't affect other people so much but it does me, and it'll take some time to heal.  Well regardless, it'll be awhile before I do any sort of video again.        

Monday, July 1, 2013

Just Spanking

Something became very clear to me during the Texas All-State Spanking party that I attended in June.  I've always known that I didn't particularly care for "just spanking", but what came to light is the fact that if I am being 'just spanked', with no scolding or discipline dynamic, I get MAD.  Mad at myself for consenting to it and mad at the Top for doing it to me.  

I would define "just spanking" as being struck on the bottom with no scolding or discipline dynamic, simply because one enjoys the sensation, pain, or connection.  What is termed 'fun' spankings would be in this category as well.  I don't enjoy these things at all, in fact I hate it, so I definitely don't see it as fun.

Does this mean that I'm not a spanko?  I don't know...maybe.  I guess you could say that what I have is really a discipline fetish and not necessarily a pure spanking fetish.  I'm always fantasizing about being disciplined in some way:  scolding, lecturing, spanking, writing lines or essays or being grounded.  This can be real discipline or 'funishment' long as there is some sort of reason.  Don't let one of these things happen in real life because I will obsessively think about it and replay it in my mind endlessly.  Occasionally my psychiatrist will lecture me and boy do I eat that up.  

I'm not really sure why discipline makes a spanking more bearable to me, it just does.  I suppose it may be due to the headspace it puts me into.  I'm getting it for my own good, to make me a better person, etc.  I think it's also the feeling that I'm being loved and cared for.

Moving forward I will not bottom to somebody who just spanks.  If that is your style of spanking I won't bottom to you.  It's not fair to myself and it wouldn't be fair to the Top either because (mostly) all Tops want their spankee to enjoy the scene just as much as they are.  I know this greatly limits the amount of play and play partners that I have, which does suck.  But it's for the best.  

Sunday, May 5, 2013

No longer offering professional sessions

Hey folks, I thought I'd drop a line to let everyone know that I am no longer offering professional spanking sessions.  I haven't accepted a new client in over a year now but still get inquiries.  I have some regulars that I will continue to see, but I will not be accepting any new clients.

The truth of the matter is there are too many flakes and cowards out there that it makes the screening process hell and the number of people who back out at the last minute is ridiculous.  I know I'm probably sounding harsh but it's the truth, unfortunately.  It is not worth the time that I invest.

It is too bad that the "bad eggs" have to ruin it for the honest people with integrity, but that is the case here.  I enjoyed doing the sessions for the ones that followed it through and showed up but in this world the honorable people seem to be so few and far between.

You flakes know who you are.  Stop screwing around with the professional spankers and get your shit together.  You are immature and you are a time-wasters and a waste of space.  You little fuckers who get off on simply discussing and planning for a session that you have no plans of following through with are half-grown jerks.  You deserve MANY smacks but definitely not on the ass!

Stepping off my soapbox.  And now back to your regularly scheduled program...

Friday, May 3, 2013

Time for a positive post

After the last 2 posts of mine you may be wondering if my blog is going downhill.  I promise that won't be what I talk about from here on out.  I just found myself wanting to dispel some myths and be somewhat of an advocate for myself and others.

I find it hard to find topics to write about when I don't have much spanking play in my life.  Are ya'll interested in the purely vanilla activities?  I don't want to bore you, so please comment or vote 'More please' if you would like me to blog even if it's just vanilla things.  After all this is supposed to be a kinky blog.

I'm looking out my window and see freakin' snow on the ground in MAY!  This is quite irregular to see snow past March in Kansas.  Geez, I've always wanted to have a winter-like summer day in May.  This is just ridiculous.

Yesterday I saw the movie, "Silver Linings Playbook" and it was cute.  I found Jennifer Hudson, Julia Stiles and Bradley Cooper all to be pretty hot (there is the bisexual in me coming out, lol).  It put me in the mood to do a little ballroom dancing so I'm going out tomorrow night to a dance party at one of the local studios.  Then I went to a DBSA group meeting and came home driving 40 mph on the highway in a May snowstorm.  There were plenty of wrecks along the many idiots that don't adjust their driving to fit the weather conditions:  drive slower, stop sooner and leave more space between the car in front of you.

I'm counting down the days until my vacation on May 30th.  I'm going to Phoenix Arizona to visit Miss Chris & Jenni Mack, attend the Spank University party, do some vacation-y stuff and maybe get together with Lance DelToro who I haven't seen in awhile.  I'm hoping to be able to rent a convertible for a reasonable price cause that would just be awesome.  Priceline Name-Your-Own-Price, here I come!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

How to help your loved one who has a mental illness

I thought I'd follow up the post on 'My Illness' with an informational article on some suggestions for helping your loved one who has a mental illness.  People in my life have wanted to help but haven't always known how.  Sometimes even well-meaning people have totally said the wrong things to.

The primary suggestion that I have that works for me is:  When I need to talk, just listen.  I'm not expecting you to have the right things to say, nor am I expecting (or wanting) advice.

Good things to say:

  • I know you have a real illness and that's what causes these thoughts & feelings.
  • I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel but I care and want to help.
  • What can I do to help?
  • You are not alone in this - I am here for you.
  • Talk to me - I'm listening.

Things to avoid saying that will make the situation worse:

  • You have so much to live for, why would you want to die.
  • Suicide is a selfish decision.
  • Here's my advice...
  • It's all in your head.
  • We all go through times like this.
  • Just snap out of it - Look on the bright side.
Alot of the above is taken from 

Monday, April 22, 2013

My illness

I've wrestled with whether or not to divulge this information about myself for awhile now.  But I'm so tired of the stigma, and me keeping quiet about it only reinforces stigma.  Some of you may know that I was in and out of the hospital back in the fall/winter time but I wasn't clear about what was wrong with me.  Well, I have major depressive disorder and was suicidal and so was in a psychiatric hospital.

Sometimes major depressive disorder can be misunderstood as being the same as the emotion of depression.  There is a difference between the normal emotion of depression, and being diagnosed with major depressive disorder.  The emotion of depression is a common response to a loss, failure, or disappointment.  The diagnosis of major depressive disorder is a serious emotional & biological disease that affects a person's thoughts, feelings, behavior, mood and physical health.  The criteria that professionals use to diagnose this are as follows:

  • Depressed mood.
  • Reduced interest in activities.
  • Changes in appetite.
  • Sleeping too much or too little.
  • Feeling agitated or slowed down.
  • Feeling worthless or excessive guilt.
  • Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions.
  • Suicidal thoughts or intention.
People who have a mental illness are not crazy, they just have an illness.  It is no different than someone who has is a disease that has to be managed and coped with for life.  It shouldn't be something to be embarrassed about, yet many people hide their condition for fear of being judged.  

It hurts....alot.  It's a different sort of pain then someone might feel who has cancer or a broken limb.  Not quite physical pain, yet it is.  You know the pain that most of us feel when a loved one passes away for instance.  Imagine experiencing pain, hopelessness, etc., with no reason for it.  That's what it's like to be depressed.  You feel these things yet can't explain why you feel the way you do and can't do anything to stop it.  I experience a severe lack of energy to do anything including household chores and even personal hygiene.  I have difficulty concentrating and sometimes lose interest in activities that I usually enjoy (even spanking).

Wanting to die.  Suicidal.  When people hear this about me, they usually say, "But you have so much to live for!  You're so talented, pretty, etc., why would you want to kill yourself?"  It's not that simple.  It's a symptom of an illness.  Not everyone who's depressed has the 'symptom' of suicidal thoughts, but it so happens that I do.  We all know of celebrities who've committed suicide...they seem to have it all, yet they see no reason to continue to live.

I not only suffer from major depressive disorder, but also post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and social anxiety.  I got help from my many back-to-back hospitalizations and medication, but still experience symptoms to a lessor degree.  Unfortunately for me, my illness has resulted in not being able to work a full-time job so I have alot of time on my hands now.

If you think you may have a mental illness, don't be ashamed of it.  There is plenty of help and resources out there so seek it out.  These illnesses are treatable and professionals can help make the symptoms less intense by therapy, medication or other combinations of treatment.  I've included a list of national resources to get you started.

National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI)
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)
Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK
Psychology Today - Find a therapist in your area

Monday, March 18, 2013

A party and a video

Last night was the KC Spanks Club house party and it was a hit.  There was plenty of play going on and gobs of food to eat.  I played several times, even gave one guy his first 'real' caning and he was surprised at how much it hurt and the type of pain caused.  I personally don't like to get caned but I LOVE to cane other people.

Some of us arrived before the party to film a video for my clips4sale store.  Rich Spankman and badsherri starred in the video and I got to be completely on the other side of things for a change in that I directed and filmed it without having to worry about rushing back in front of the camera.  The spanking takes place in a real country-fied woodshed, with an antique car used as a prop for part of it.  The video involves a hand spanking and a caning for leaving rude comments on videos and blogs.  Below is a preview clip.  The entire video can be purchased on my clips4sale store.