|A pic I took of myself about a year ago|
I got there super early at 7:45am, laid down for a little bit and got in the shower. I thought I would be shooting my 2 videos for the day later on, but as soon as I stepped out of the bathroom I was told that we'd be shooting mine now. So I rushed to get make-up on and go find a school girl outfit to put on. After all the rushing around and still feeling tired, I felt the two videos went fine.
Spent the rest of the day relaxing and in the evening we had pizza and sat around and had fun. I was the first to turn in because I could barely keep my eyes open so I said goodnight to everyone and hit the pillow.
I had a good night's sleep and started waking up for a long day of shooting ahead, when I got a knock on the door and it was the producer. She came in and said she needed to talk to me. She said they had reviewed some of the footage from yesterday and for some reason I wasn't 'translating' on the camera. This kinda took me by surprise, so naturally I asked what I was doing wrong and what I needed to change. She said it was nothing that I was doing or not doing, it was the way I looked on camera. She mentioned something about the way I looked in the outfits, they just didn't quite look right on me.
I'm so freakin' sensitive and so at by this time I was already crying. I was annoyed with myself, why couldn't I hold the tears in, usually I'm able to do that. I'm somewhat of an expert at stuffing my emotions. She gave me a hug. She said that she just couldn't justify having me there to shoot anymore days as the videos of just me in them wouldn't sale. Then said that they are going to pay for a plane ticket for me to fly home that day.
I held it together for the rest of the time there, but I just knew once I got on the plane that I was most likely going to burst into tears. So I went to the airport bathroom and called my therapist to have a 'coaching call'. This type of call is related to DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), and the purpose of it is to help you come up with some sort of coping skill to help you calm down in the moment. She suggested wetting a paper towel with cold water and putting it on my forehead, but that wouldn't work because the faucets were those that automatically set the temperature to warm for you. She said to try containment which is where you do imagery that you are putting the situation in a box on a shelf to deal with at a later time. I tried this once I got on the plane and again this didn't work. So I tried to just turn my mind and think about something totally unrelated that was comforting to me and that worked. I just didn't want to cry like a baby on the plane.
This week has kind of been a rough week because this whole thing set me back emotionally. I guess now I'm still confused as to why I was so bad or ugly that they went as far as to cancel the remaining shoots and send me home the day after I got there. This was a huge hit on my self-esteem and body image. I've done lots of spanking videos and seem to look alright on camera for those. I made my pictures and video trailers on SpankingTube available to the producer before she hired me to come out there, so she knew what I looked like. I just don't get it. I kind of feel like this was specifically concerning the 'little girl' me and she is the one that's ugly.
I know something like this wouldn't affect other people so much but it does me, and it'll take some time to heal. Well regardless, it'll be awhile before I do any sort of video again.