Thursday, April 29, 2010

Long Distance Disciplinarian

I have a long distance disciplinarian who has been working with me on real-life issues since this past December.  This type of relationship does not seem to be very common but it has been helpful for me.  Probably among the people that have this sort of relationship, each one is unique.  I am going to share a little about mine since it has been so good for me and maybe it will open a new avenue to consider for those who crave ongoing discipline.

It started with communication, which is soooo important.  I'd had scenes with this person before and enjoyed them because he was really able to get inside of my headspace.  I knew that I wanted something more along the lines of 24/7, but since I don't live in close proximity, I opted to pursue this.  We spoke over the phone about my request and exchanged some emails about what we each envisioned this type of relationship to be.  Limits, wants, needs, acceptable punishments, and life issues were discussed.  Then we agreed on a "plan" and began.

I am required to keep a behavior log where I record whether or not I have complied with the behaviors/rules that have been established.  Trust and honesty play a big factor in making this sort of thing successful, since he cannot see for himself whether I am obeying.  I email the behavior log to him each week, but if I have broken any rules I am required to let him know throughout the week so that a punishment can be decided upon.

The punishments that I have received vary according to the seriousness of the offense and whether I have been disciplined for that offense before.  I have been sent to the corner, scolded, assigned lines & essays, sent to bed early, made to report to work early, grounded, given extra exercise, self-spanking, and in person spanking when feasible. 

Originally I wasn't too sure that the self-spanking would work for me.  I had tried it before and found that I just couldn't spank myself very hard and it also just wasn't effective because nobody had scolded me.  I sort of reluctantly agreed to try it and I was fairly amazed at just how effective it was.  He had me turn on my webcam while he was on the phone.  I was scolded prior to the spanking, and then instructed to get into position (bending over the arm of the couch works well for me).  He tells me what implements to use and how long & hard to spank.  My webcam is positioned so that he can see me spanking myself so he is assured that I am using enough force.  Inflicting pain on myself takes obedience to a whole new level and having him scold me before, during, and after makes the punishment very real. 

In addition to the discipline, he also shows a real interest in my life and seeing me succeed.  It has that parental feeling that I have craved for so long.  There are always hugs and encouragement, even when I have messed up.  He's had plenty of opportunities to give up on me because I can be very stubborn and resistant at times, but he has persisted.  Of course this persistance on his part has meant that I've been subjected to some pretty tough discipline, but I know that it is what I need.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

L.A. Report, etc.

This trip was extremely fast, but it was very good to get away.  I enjoyed the shoot and got to work with Snow Mercy again and Alanah Rae who I met for the first time.  Clare got enough content for 3 videos which will air on her sites sometime in the future.  Clips of my first video, "Aunt Bella", are still airing on Girl Spanks Girl, so I think the plans are to wait awhile before running the newest vids.

The scene with my script went well.  It was pretty cool to have the opportunity for something that I wrote to be made into a video.  But I'm thinking maybe next time I might just have a general scene idea with some key phrases and such instead of having to stress over memorizing lines.  We ended up not having enough time to shoot the entire script so we had to cut it a little sort, which is a little disappointing but I suppose there will be other opportunities.  That's one (of the many) drawbacks to living in the Midwest and not being local to L.A.

The reason it was so good to get away this past weekend is that I'm having problems with my "day job".  I've about had the last straw with it and am sooooo ready to just quit.  So being out of town and focusing of fun stuff was what I needed so that I didn't constantly have normal work on my mind.  There have been many, many times over the decade+ that I've been employed with the company I am at that that I have come to this same point of being totally unhappy.  A friend of mine said that since I keep reaching this point of unhappiness and frustration that maybe I have been making the wrong decision to stay, and now might be time for me to make the decision to finally leave.  It sounds good to me, though the fear of the unknown totally scares me.  The struggle right now is to just hang on until I can find something else, since I do have bills to pay.

So I'm in the job market and I would really like to take this opportunity to make a career change.  I've had a dream for a long time to pursue a career in some aspect of performing arts, but I've always been scared of failure and financial difficulties.  I suppose though that everyone has to take that risk eventually...to change, to be happy, and fulfilled.  I know a huge part of making this sort of transition is that I would have to move to where the opportunities lie.  There is nothing holding me back...but fear.  Ahhh...decisions, decisions.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Video shoot this weekend

I fly out to L.A. on Friday for a video shoot with Clare Fonda this weekend.  I'm nervous in a different way for this shoot because I wrote a script for part of it and I really want it to turn out good and for people to like it.  It is a little different than the normal spanking video because there is more leading up to and following the spanking.  This is going to be very similar to my personal interest in spanking and my "head space" because there is alot of scolding and aftercare.  When I get back home I will let you know how it goes and hopefully be able to give you an idea of when it might be available to watch.  I'm excited!   :)

Monday, April 19, 2010

I'm off the Mountain and back in the airport waiting on my return flight home.  The Spanking Weekend always goes by way to fast and I'm never ready to leave.  Each time I go it seems to get better and better.  I even cried this time because I was so sad to have to go home and leave everyone.

This time I primarily topped and it had a very different feel, but it was good.  What I liked most about topping was that I was able to help others reach the places inside themselves that they desired to go.  I like to help people experience healing & fulfillment much in the way that I have experienced it when I am being spanked.  There were many good scenes that I enjoyed with multiple people, and I want to thank you all again for trusting me enough to allow me to top you.  I know it is a very vulnerable position to be in.

Of course all my topping did not prevent me from bottoming while I was there.  I had many wonderful sessions where I was mentally & emotionally taken to places that I needed to go.  Sometime I will share some details of sessions that I have had, but I'm not quite ready just yet.

I acquired 2 new implements while I was there:  a wooden bath brush and a sorority paddle.  The paddle came in very handy with a few of the guys, but I have no intentions whatsoever of experiencing it for myself.  On the other hand, the bath brush was given to me by my disciplinarian to be used for self-spanking since he doesn't live near me.  Believe me, I tried to get him to keep it since my luggage was too heavy, but he insisted that I take it.  Sucks to be me I guess, but it was definitely worth a try.

Thank you Ms. Margaret & Mr. Ryder for a great weekend so that we could come immerse ourselves in this world of ours.  Myself and many others appreciate all that you do for us.  xoxoxo