Monday, May 28, 2012

Self-discipline & spanking

I wonder from time to time about real discipline spanking and self-discipline, and I sometimes question whether relying on somebody else to discipline me will cause my own self-regulation and self-discipline to become weak.  Looking back on some of the real discipline that I've had since my involvement in the adult community, I think there may be some times where I did become weaker than I was at self-discipline.  And I think at times discipline spanking has in fact worked against me instead of helped me.  Yet other times when it does work.

For instance, lately I've had an issue with going to the casino to much and spending to much money.  I confessed to my Daddy that I'd continuously been going against my own conscience when it comes to this, and after my most recent little bing he put me on restriction from going at all.  No idea how long I'll be restricted because he just told me, "Until further notice".  I hate that phrase by the way.  I don't like not having all the details and knowing exactly how long I'll be under this discipline.  It is torture, I tell you.

He did give me permission to go this weekend to a special occasion.  My grandma had invited me to go with her to a special banquet dinner at one of the casinos.  I asked for his permission and had to tell him how much I planned to spend.  I told him that I didn't have the free cash to spend right now since I'm saving up for a deposit on my new rental house, so I'd put in $1.00 just so I could get access to the free money they gave to me.  So he granted me permission.  When I went, however, I had to withdraw money from the ATM, and everybody knows you can't just take out $1.00, it makes you take a minium of $20.  You can see where this is headed, right?

So after I spent $20 in the slots there was still some time before grandma and I had planned to meet up.  I was sooooo tempted to go take out another 20, but thoughts of my Daddy being disappointed in me and the punishment that would sure to follow encouraged me to just hold tight.  I was so proud of myself for resisting the urge.  You see I'm one who seems to have the propensity to become addicted to this, so having my Daddy's accountability seemed to have helped.

Well I talked to Daddy on the phone the next day and was excited to tell him that I resisted the urge to draw out another $20, but he didn't follow in my excitement.  Instead, he scolded me for spending the entire $20 when I had told him I was only gonna put a $1.00 in.  He told me that we'll deal with it later.  I hate having to wait for punishment...it is the worst!  I try to get him to tell me when I'll be punished or how I will be punished, but that just makes it worse for myself because I get more scolding and get told that HE will decide what my punishment will be and when I will receive it.

Anyways, kinda got off track a little bit from the topic.  I guess I say all that to say that I don't really know where I stand with the self-discipline vs. someone else disciplining you idea.  There are times when it works for me and other times when it doesn't.  It's a situation by situation kinda thing.  Oh, and I'll be sure to tell you what sort of punishment I do get when I finally end up getting it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Tears

From my beginning fantasies about spanking, I always wanted to cry.  Imaging scenes taking place would always have me crying pretty easily, but having it happen in real-life scenes proved to be pretty illusive.  I'd pictured crying for the first time in a scene with a parental-figure Top, but when my tear wells actually broke, I was being dealt with by someone who was actually younger than myself.  The tears certainly came as a shock to me.

I don't know what I envisioned would bring about tears.  I suppose I thought it would be from the physical pain of it, or maybe from the loving care & concern of a parental-figure type.  But what I was to find out is that rarely ever do I...or anyone else... cry because of the pain only.

My first ever crying scene was with Anachronist, who is 7 years younger than me.  Bottoming to someone younger than you can be a whole 'nother topic someday, but I won't get into that now.  We were at a small house gathering and people were taking turns going downstairs to have private spanking scenes.  My turn came when Anachronist grabbed me and led me down the stairs.  He started out scolding me for not calling him to let him know that hotel check-out time was sooner than planned and I shouldn't have been hanging out by myself.  Then it progressed into being dealt with about my social skills...and this is what really got inside my head.  I've always felt insecure about myself when it comes to mingling and interacting with people I don't know very well.  I don't want to say or do stuff that is stupid or not funny, and I never can think of witty things to say, so I usually just remain quiet and a 'listener'.  He said that can sometimes be interpreted as stuck up and not wanting anything to do with the people and he urged me to get out of my comfort zone and interact with people more.  People thinking that I'm a snob is the last thing that I want, and this really struck me to the core on an emotional level.  If I remember right, I think I was crying before he ever even laid a hand on me.  Afterwards I felt really good, refreshed, and cleansed.  The crying definitely caught me off guard, but it was a great experience.  Anachronist is a very good Top and great with his verbal skills which is what attracted me to bottom to him in the first place.

So after this experience I learned that simply the scolding can make me cry.  I've had many experiences since then of crying during a scene.  Seems like it just took one crying experience and then it became easier for me to open up and let down the barriers that had been blocking me from allowing myself that experience.  It is this weird thing that though I wanted to cry many times before that time, I could feel myself resisting tears.  I was working against myself, very odd, but I think we all do this from time to time.

Some examples of other times I've cried:  The Top had me over his knee, and the words he was speaking to me had me in a mental place that the spanking was going to be very bad, and I cried just from the fear/anticipation.  Once I was being spanked for losing my temper and cussing out a store clerk and I cried because once again the reason I was being punished hit home and the scolding cut like a knife.  There are also times when just a word or sentence being spoken by the Top has made me cry, such as:  "You may be a spanking model and in videos, but I know you are still a little girl who needs to be dealt with."  That one really got to me.  Sometimes I've also cried because of the aftercare.  I like to be held and hugged and that can be a trigger for me as well.

I have cried only once because of the pain, and that was when I shot a video with Kelly Payne.  She used a ton of implements on me including this really thin almost rubber strap thingy and she spanks very hard with no mercy.  I cried not because of anything emotional but simply because of the pain and I suppose feeling helpless to stop it (though I could have actually safeworded).  So maybe it was partially mental.

I have a number of clients that come to me for a spanking session who desire to be spanked till they cry.  I always tell them that there are many factors that come into play in order for a person to cry, and rarely ever does it happen because of pain alone.  The whole pain thing is a misconception that alot of people have I believe.  The biggest thing is you have to allow yourself to cry and don't resist it when you can feel the tears welling up on the inside.  

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Pain Tolerance

So like I found out that my tolerance level for spanking has gone down majorly over these last several months.  I was just at the Chicago Ageplayers Convention (CAPCon) with my Daddy and he was just lightly spanking me with his hand and I yelled, "What are you using on me???  What implement are you using?"  Nothin', just his hand!  Unbelievable.

Now this one has been known to have a hand that feels like a paddle anyway, but he was flabbergasted as to why I was reacting so much to it.  It had been 7 months since I'd been spanked cause I had been in Kansas hard at work on my new job.  Not even so much as a self-spanking during that time either.  He was practically in shock.  He thinks something needs to be done to raise my tolerance back up to what it should be, and of course I disagree.  LOL

I ended up being due for a disciplinary spanking for getting stopped for speeding (no ticket mind you, just a warning).  He and I discussed whether he should go ahead with the discipline spanking as he had planned, because he didn't think I could take it.  I said it was ok, just meant that he didn't have to invoke as much pain to get his point across, and that's what we did.

Thinking back to the beginning of my spanking journey, I remember being preoccupied about how hard I could take it and comparing it to other people.  Once a couple of us asked a Top what percentage of his strength he used to spank us each and I fell at something like 85%.  Now it'd be like 2% for sure!  These weird things that we like to do along our journey.

Gets me to thinking of the fools that go around saying and proclaiming that they give everyone the hardest spankings out of any of the other Tops.  Or the SpankingTube video commenters who fly by and say she can take a much harder spanking, give it to her harder.  It's not all about the intensity.  These people just make me laugh.  You don't gotta beat somebody to a pulp- unless they like it.

My spanking tolerance decrease was just MEANT TO BE...what can I say.  ;)

Sunday, May 13, 2012

No Drama....is it possible?

I hate 'Drama'.  I even hate the word that people have assigned to it.  Calling it drama has the connotation that it is something that is made up or just started to cause a stir and draw attention to yourself.  But truth of the matter is, HURT is at the forefront.  Whether real or perceived, someone feels hurt and is trying to deal with it in their own way whether that be good or bad.

A recent event got me to thinking on the term 'Drama' again.  I'm not going to beat around the bush because there are quite a few of us folks who know what's gone on.  The Hitler video that I heard about being shown at Boardwalk Badness.  During this video apparently there was a comment made about SCONY allowing Hitler to attend an event if he wanted to, and Hitler saying "Fuck SCONY".  Talk of this video has been going around our community like wildfire. 

What is my stance on the video?  And SSNY and SCONY?  That is not what this entry is about.  But since you asked... I would be against a video like that regardless of who produced it and aired it.  But with the rift that I know has been present between the two groups, it makes it even more inappropriate.  Will I stop going to SSNY because of it?  No.  Do I still go to SCONY?  Haven't been in awhile, and matter of fact I had some hurt feelings for awhile (combined with my inability to travel), but have been missing the Mountain Weekends and will make it a goal to get to one again in the near future.  Bottom line is that I refuse to take sides.  But I WILL call it what I see it...and going by the description that I hear, that video was definitely uncalled for and out of line.

Getting back to the reason of the post...'Drama' might be better identified as 'conflict'.  And while we are still human and operating out of human nature, there will be conflict.  I wish with all my might that there wasn't conflict, pain, and hurt in this world, as do most everybody else.  But the only place that we'll really be devoid of all that is in the afterlife.

There may be times where 'Drama' in it's truest sense actually does exist.  In my eyes that would mean someone lashing out is totally unfounded...there are no past or present hurts real or otherwise, and absolutely no explanation as to why it is happening.  Now there is no excuse for something like that.  But I believe that 99% of the time what people are terming as 'Drama' is actually real pain, real hurt, real conflict that is being acted upon.  It may not be the best way to handle it, may be totally wrong, hateful, and vengeful.  But there is a reason for it.  While I'm here, let me just clarify that the situation I talked about above does not fall into the unfounded category.  There is history and hurts on both sides of the coin. 

To answer the question I posed.  No, I don't think it is possible to never have any 'Drama' in the spanking scene.  After all, we are still human beings whether we are in our day-to-day vanilla lives or attempting to live out our fantasies.  In my opinion it is unrealistic to think that no hurts will occur among individuals who come from various backgrounds, carrying various baggage, just because we are trying to get our spanking needs met.  

I believe we all have participated in this (wrongly termed) 'Drama' at one time or another:
  • Feeling hurt at what someone has said or done
  • Talking about what somebody did to you or another person
  • Lashing out verbally
  • Giving the cold-shoulder
  • Attempting revenge in some form or fashion
  • Lying about a person or event
  • Encouraging people to take your side
  • Breaking a confidence
  • etc., etc., etc....
I certainly haven't been exempt from participating in 'Drama' and I can't think of even ONE person that I know that is exempt either!  At one time or another, all ya'll have been involved in some sort of drama. 

Lemme get real for a second.  Lawd knows I've experienced quite the spectrum of 'Drama' in the spanking scene.  I've been hurt, perceived hurt, and had confidences broke (even by a very close friend), I've talked about what someone did to me and I've talked about other people.  I've certainly lashed out verbally and given the cold shoulder.  Have I attempted revenge?  Yes, even that.  And I have tried to get people on my side.  I'm imperfect, but striving to be the best possible person that I can be.  Now let me ask you, my readers to do an honest self-evaluation.  Have you fallen into any of these categories ever?  

This thing that we do is intimate and I don't mean necessarily in a sexual way, what I mean is emotionally intimate.  Especially when you have ongoing play partners...you end up baring parts of your soul to them that likely no one else in the world knows.  When something is intimate your feelings are tied up in it and more prone to being hurt.  The only way to avoid getting hurt is to be entirely emotionally closed off...but what kind of scene would that make for?  Definitely not the type of scene that I've ever fantasized about.

Can't we just all get along????  The blunt answer to that is No, unfortunately.  Not everyone gets along in the vanilla world, so why should we expect the fetish world to be any different?  I WISH we could all get along though.  :(  People should absolutely not be hateful and do hurtful things.  But it is in some people's nature to act that way.  It makes me angry that people are like that, but that is out of our control as individuals.  

My hope is simply that we would all stop overusing the word 'Drama'...

And find someway within ourselves, with the help of loved ones, or Divine intervention, to heal from hurt, move forward, and learn to deal healthily with conflict.  Cause I guarantee that we'll all encounter it at least once during our comings and goings in the scene.  I sure as hell hate conflict though, and don't deal well with it personally.  It is much easier said than done!

It feels like this entry is a little scattered.  But I had some thoughts that I felt like getting out, so there you have it.  Spank on.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Feeling Un-Burnt Out

So I've finally been getting the wind back in my sails as far as spanking goes, and really anything scene related.  I suppose the break was a necessary evil for me to regroup and refocus and now I'm feeling ready to get back into things again.  I have placed my session application back on my website and for anyone who desires to have a professional session with me please fill it out.  As I'm unable to travel at the moment, I will only be accepting sessions in the Topeka/Lawrence/Kansas City areas of Kansas.

I'm looking forward to moving to a different house in July and it has a really cool, open layout with these awesome stairs in the center of the main floor.  I'll have to produce at least a video or two just for the sake of the cool location!

I am on the schedule to present the August 10th demo at the KC Spanks club.  This will be my very first demo ever and I must say I'm a little nervous.  For some odd reason I can get up and perform in front of people...act, sing, dance, but when it comes to just talking in front of people I kinda freak out a little bit.  But irregardless, I'm looking forward to this new experience.  My topic will be on discipline spanking & 'funishment' and fingers crossed, my Top/Daddy from New York will be coming to town for it!  Totally looking forward to that.

If you'd like to come to the August 10th KC Spanks party and you've never attended an event there before, just visit their website and fill out the contact form to express your interest in attending.  Rich Spankman will get in touch with you about the details.

My day job still totally rocks and I'm loving it.  There for awhile I was working a ton of hours, not because they required it but because I was so busy learning everything that it would take for this new venture of mine.  Life is good right now, even added another dog to my family which means I now have a total of 5 doggies.  Yeah, it's a bit of an addiction I must admit and I plea a moment of insanity when I got this most recent one.  But she's a sweetie...a Blue Merle Sheltie with one brown eye and one blue.